The Secret Diary of Foaly the Centaur
by Artemis-Fowl.com
Summary: A nice blend of comedy and drama, where Foaly visits Julius Root's memorial, and is always finding ways of annoying Ark Sool. Ark Sool is found to be in league with Koboi...
1. Part One

_A/N - I don't own Foaly. I don't own any Artemis Fowl character. But I love them, so I decided to write this. Enjoy, rate, print it off and burn it, I don't really mind as long as you read it._

**The Secret Diary of Foaly the Centaur - Part One: Memorials, Hoof-Moisturiser and Pure Evil.**

**Wednesday 3rd May 2006**

I wasn't going into work today; instead, I took a taxi to the memorial centre. The place was literally bustling with fairies. Well, it was obvious why… today is exactly a year after the death of the greatest ever LEP Commander - Julius Root.

I found my way to his memorial stone, and knelt beside it. I fought back the urge to cry, and muttered some barely coherent sentences to the headstone. In the distance, people watched me with sorrow in their eyes.

"Hi again, commander." I waited, staring at the ground and taking breath. "Shame you couldn't be here today... Sool's such an idiot, you'd grind him under your boot like you would one of your mucky cigars." I chuckled, whilst reminiscing about some of Julius's moments. "I miss you Sir, but, I'll see you again in a couple of hundred years... b-bye for now, sir..." I grimaced, and muttered some final words, "over and out."

Military stereotypes and their catchphrases. I chuckled again and walked away; staring at the dying shadows the sun strips were creating.

**Thursday 4th May 2006**

My department's budget came in today. I was not happy.

Fortunately, Sool was yet to enter the office, so I sabotaged his light switch, coated his office floor in my hoof cream and hid behind Trouble Kelp's desk. I couldn't stifle my laughter as he entered the room, and I got an odd look as I told him I had dropped my pencil sharpener. Moments after he had shut the door, he slipped and fell. I barricaded his office door shut with Grub Kelp's desk and went back to my office.

I received several thumbs up over the next hour… until Sool crashed through his office window, breathing heavily and coated from head to toe in white hoof-moisturiser, shouting "I'll kill him! I'll kill that bloody pony!"

Needless to say, I locked my door and put the blackout windows on.

**Friday 5th May 2006**

I was late for work this morning, to find a sticky note on my office door saying "My office. Now."

I knocked on Sool's door, and after 20 seconds, he gave a melodramatic grunt, which I presumed was an invitation to enter. He asked me if I had "breached protocol" by "testing dangerous substances" in his office. I told him I was writing a book called '_How to annoy your pet gorilla, Sool' _and used him as a test subject, he proceeded to shout at me for about fifteen minutes, but it was worth it for the look on his face. He turned his back for a drink of water, and when he turned once again to look at me, he gave a disappointed sigh and said "you may leave."

I couldn't stop laughing for a full fifteen minutes as I imagined his face when he stood up to find his butt covered in my hoof-cream.

**Saturday 6th May 2006**

I totally wasted today. I went into the office, but it was basically empty. There were only a few LEP officers in the building. The rest were either out patrolling or at home with their families.

I switched Grub and Trouble Kelp's desks around, and totally emptied Sool's office. I put all of his belongings in the store cupboard. I left a note on the floor saying:

_Your desk, chair and plants have been kidnapped. If you ever want to see them again, you must increase Foaly's budget by at least two digits, or else your belongings will be recycled and used to construct a ten-foot tall statue of Grub Kelp, which will then be super glued to your head._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Loafy the Taurcen_

_P.S. Beware of the hoof cream… the cream!_

I then walked the short distance to Sool's home, with a nice idea forming in my mind.

**Sunday 7th May 2006**

I don't have to write things in this on a Sunday, do I?

Ok.

I slept.

You happy?

**Monday 8th May 2006**

I wrote the prologue to my novel, "_How to annoy your pet gorilla, Sool." _What? You didn't think I was serious? I also began to create the look of the front cover. I had put half of Sool's face, which merged into a gorilla's face. The title was above, and below the picture read "Anatomy of a dull-brained moron." I really must get Artemis Fowl to write a forward for it, he's almost as good as insulting people as I am.

Sool entered his office late this morning, saying someone had filled his vehicle's tires with hoof cream - it was at this point he gave me a lengthy glare - and said that he had had to walk to work.

After his briefing, he approached me. "I'll be retrieving some papers from my office, and then I'll be filing a report on you, pony-boy." He turned on his heels, and walked away. He only managed a few steps before a coffee cup hit him in the back of the head. He stopped, shuddered, and then kept walking. Trouble Kelp gave me a small grin, and got up to go to the coffee machine.

Seconds after Sool had entered his office, he emerged once again, shouting. "Loaf- I mean Foaly, get your hooves in here now!"

**Tuesday 9th May 2006**

According to Sool, I'm "treading on thin ice." How much ice you can get near the centre of the Earth is beyond me, but I know that if I step out of line once more, he's going to go to the council. Whether or not they'll actually fire me, I don't know, but I figured it's worth the risk.

Let's just say that gives me a huge reason to do it. I began working up plans to humiliate Sool into resignation.

**Wednesday 10th May 2006**

I showed my plans to Trouble this morning. He looked me up and down for a few minutes, before saying "so much evil in such a small centaur." He paused for a moment, "If you pull this off, I'll eat a tub of your hoof moisturiser."

"Deal." I replied.


	2. Part Two

_A/N - I don't own Foaly. I don't own any Artemis Fowl character. But I love them, so I decided to write this. Enjoy, rate, print it off and burn it, I don't really mind as long as you read it._

**The Secret Diary of Foaly the Centaur - Part Two: Tribunals, awards and Office Fun**

**Thursday 11th May 2006**

Sool finally found the place where I hid the contents of his office. It was a great laugh watching him trying to drag his stuff up the stairs, Trouble Kelp went over to Sool, and asked him if he wanted some help, Sool said yes, and then Trouble turned and said "Does anyone want to help _Commander_ Sool?" Nobody answered, so he turned and said "Sorry, can't say I didn't try…" and walked off.

He finally managed to get all his stuff back to his office, and whilst he was dragging the last potted plant up the stairs, I covered his room in hoof-moisturiser, and wrote another little note saying:

_You may have won the battle, but the war will be mine! You better watch your back, because when you turn around, Loafy will be there, ready with a fresh pot of hoof-cream!_

_Yours sincerely,_

_Loafy the Taurcen_

The look on Sool's face was priceless, I can tell you now.

**Saturday 13th May 2006**

I used my day off to go and visit Holly at her PI Building. It was a luscious, grand six story building… oh, no, that was the building next door. They were in a not so luscious, two story building, with a flashing neon sign saying "PI's for Hire." Honestly. It looked like a sleazy, Mud People bar, but I wasn't about to say that to Holly.

Mulch was sitting behind the desk when I entered the building, playing with his beard hair, and he only looked up when I slammed my hands down on the desk and roared "Whatcha doing, convict?" He jumped out of his chair and released some dwarf gas, propelling himself to the sealing, where he held onto a tatty chandelier, looking extremely frightened.

It was at this point that Holly came in. "Foaly!" she cried, rapping her arms around my neck, and just as I was about to shrivel up and die from lack of oxygen, she let me go. "What're you doing here?" She asked, as Mulch dropped down from the ceiling.

"You could just say hello…" He murmured, obviously annoyed.

"Nah," I began, "I like seeing you when you're scared, one day, you may pee your pants."

"Not likely…" Mulch muttered, dropping his gaze from mine. It was at this point that Holly winked at me, and mouthed _he's lying._

Holly led me into her office and shut the door. "Business has been slow; we've only had three cases. One turned out to be another dwarf that claimed he had his foot stolen. It turned out it was just really hairy. And there was this Goblin that lost his TV controller. After a week of investigating, we found out that he didn't even own a TV."

"And the third," I asked.

"That's the funny thing… it's about you."

"Really?"

"Yep, turns out that Sool hired an investigator to dig up some dirt on you. This investigator found out I used to work with you, and hired me, to find something for him, to give to Sool."

"Tell him I like it when people give me two extra digits on my budget, and when people refer to me as Loafy." I chuckled as Holly gave me a strange look, but she asked no further. "Anyway, I have to go, make sure you say that to Sool's investigator."

"Foaly, make sure you come and see me again, ok?" I nodded as I stood up. She showed me to the door and waved as I trotted up the street.

**Sunday 14th May 2006**

I spent most of the day updating my website, www.horsense.gnom, but nobody knows I run it. I added some information on Artemis Fowl, a new page about Time Travel, some song lyrics about Opal Koboi that degrade her in some way. This is the most recent song I've written about that evil, evil Pixie.

One day,

She thought,

That she could be,

A smarter fairy than me,

She was wrong,

I'm glad to say,

She's now behind bars,

But not far away,

Her patents suck,

They never work,

Her inventions are worse,

And she's such a jerk,

If I could,

I'd dance for her,

Whilst chanting,

'You suck, nur nur nur,'

One day,

She thought,

That she could be,

A smarter fairy than me.

I was never much of a poet, as you can see, and plus I wrote the originals in Centaurian, and translated it into Gnommish for this diary, so some of it could have been miss-translated, though I doubt it. Hopefully I'll be dead, or frozen in some way which I'll never wake up before anybody reads this. It would surely be the end of me if those tight, paranoid pixies at the LEP found out about it. Though, I'm a fine example of paranoid, I sit in a dingy little one-way office, with over a hundred security features and a cool swirly chair. I even do laps of the room in that chair… good times…

**Monday 15th May 2006**

Today is the greatest day in prank history.

The day started as usual. I went into the office, except today there was a pixie in a brown leather jacket in Sool's office, who I could only presume was his Private Investigator. They talked for a minute, and then Sool looked at me for a second. The PI said a few more words and then slammed his fist down on the table. He began shouting, "Two-digits? Loafy? Get the hell out of my office, you moron!" The PI hurriedly walked out of the office, avoiding the staring eyes of the LEP Officers. Sool gave me one last, piercing glare and slammed the door shut.

The day, surprisingly, passed quite quickly. Before I knew it, the awards ceremony was upon us.

It began as usual, "This commander will be awarded this award for blah blah blah…" now, for the interesting bit, "Unfortunately, Trouble Kelp could not be here to present this award to Commander Sool," Even though everyone knew Trouble was hiding in a supply cupboard, listening to every word, "so Foaly will do the honours."

Sool paled, but stepped up onto the podium where I stood, waiting, with a large, evil grin upon my mug.

"Sool… now what can I say about this elf…" I began, dragging the words out for full effect, "I could say that he is a fantastic leader, an asset to this department, and an even better commander than Julius Root himself… but I'm not going to say that. I'm going to say…" I drew breath, glancing at Sool's green coloured complexion. The guy looked like he was about to vomit, "Sool is a tight, obnoxious, selfish, ignorant pig, who bathes in hoof-cream, and couldn't tell one Dwarf from his behind."

Sool didn't say a word. He simply stepped down, with his head looking at the floor, and slumped away in embarrassment to his office.

I felt guilty, at that moment. I felt genuinely guilty. That was, until the Commander turned, and with a very red face, he said "Julius Root was a complete and utter fool. And, for what you just did, pony-boy, I'm going to make sure you get booted off the LEP and dumped into the Arctic. You worthless, little smart-alec donkey."

Needless to say, I gave Sool the two-finger salute, whilst the other officers looked at him with sheer hatred.

**Tuesday 16th May 2006**

I wasn't really worried at all about what Sool would do. I was on the favourite list of the majority of the council, and I think Wing Commander Vinyaya has a crush on me, so I'm safe for now.

I entered the office looking very pleased. And when I heard that Sool was at a council meeting, I almost laughed with joy. I think it was time for a bit of office rearrangement.

I went into his office with my toolbox, and I pulled out my screwdriver.

An hour later, I emerged, and Trouble immediately came up to me and asked me what I had done. I told him to look for himself. He peered inside of Sool's office and burst out laughing

I had taken apart everything in his office and constructed a message on the wall out of his supplies saying:

_Loafy: 1_

_Sool: 0_

_Check and mate. My game, Sool. The war has ended, and Sergeant Loafy stands victorious._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Loafy the Taurcen._

I tell you now, this would never get old. Sool didn't return to his office for the rest of the day, apparently he had taken it off to work on some reports in private. I couldn't wait until tomorrow.


	3. Chapter Three

_A/N - I don't own Foaly. I don't own any Artemis Fowl character. But I love them, so I decided to write this. Enjoy, rate, print it off and burn it, I don't really mind as long as you read it._

_This part isn't that funny. But you'll be shocked just before half-way through. I guarantee it._

**The Secret Diary of Foaly the Centaur - Part Three: A Terrifying Discovery.**

**Wednesday 17th May 2006**

I got a lot of respectful looks today in the office, which certainly put a smile on my face. That smile instantly disappeared when I trotted into my office. The floor was littered with small, plastic pots. Upon the side of the pots were written "Goblin Scale Cleanser." The floor was covered in the slick, green cream, and there was a note on my desk, it read:

_Welcome to Revenge Town. Population me._

_Yours faithfully,_

_Karl Oso_

This means war.

**Thursday 18th May 2006**

I made sure I was extra early for work today; I was even the first one in the office. I started my revenge spree by peeing into Sool's personal water cooler. I took apart his chair, so that when he sat on it, it would collapse, and I also opened his computer hard drive and filled it with hoof-cream. I then had a sacrificial ripping session of Sool's papers.

Whilst ripping a wad of unfiled reports, I stumbled upon something very interesting. It was a print out of an e-mail. Or should I say the reverse of a print out of an e-mail. The ink must have run through onto the next page. I forgot about revenge, I forgot about paying Sool back, I forgot about setting a fire in his fireproof filing cabinet, and I returned to my office. I held the piece of paper up to a mirror, and wrote down what was on the paper.

_From: Doctor Pakaolo Bio_

_To: Ark Sool_

_I hope this e-mail finds you well. I, on the other hand, am writing this e-mail whilst dragging an unconscious LEP Officer on a pair of handcuffs, whilst barricaded in a computer room._

_You must get me out of here. Then we can break Spiro out of prison and commence Plan C._

I checked the translation several times to make sure it was accurate, and I did a name search for "Pakaolo Bio" on my computer. It didn't come up with anything… which was odd, because the only person who could change the files on this system was me. If Pakaolo wasn't on the system, Pakaolo didn't exist. It was only whilst looking through the "Possible Matches" section did I work out who Pakaolo really was.

Pakaolo Bio was an anagram of Opal Koboi.

**Friday 19th May 2006**

I needed to speak to someone about what I had found out… but who? I certainly couldn't go to the council; they'd think I'd fabricated the whole thing because of my pure hatred for Sool. I decided to go to the one person I trust. Me.

If I could hack into Sool's LEP E-mail account, maybe I could dig up some more evidence. Then I could go to the council.

I opened up one of the many programs on my desktop screen, and ran a search on Ark Sool. I then set the computer running so that it would try every single word from every file containing his name as his password. Within seconds, the computer had tried over a million passwords. None turned out correct… well at least it was narrowed down. I loosened the search parameters, still nothing. I then set the computer on number combinations. Within a minute, it had searched over a trillion number combinations of varying length. Still, nothing. But I like a challenge. I switched to manual mode and began typing. I tried out several words before I stumbled upon the correct password. Sool was one dumb schmuck. His password was… get this… _happiness_.

I quickly scanned down the page; there were over seventeen e-mails from Koboi. I printed out each one and read them out. According to Koboi, there was a 30 second window when the guards weren't watching her, which was when she passed through an airlock into the main cells. Sool would leave a key to her cuffs underneath one of the grills on a magnetic strip. Whilst she was sleeping, she was to break out of her chains and then smash the bulb which illuminated her room, where she would find a small pulse detonator, which, to her disgust, she would find was created by me. The clever thing about a pulse detonator was that the explosion was noiseless, and only destroyed anything within a two centimetre radius. I also found out that Koboi would be receiving her key tomorrow morning.

I set to work on a plan.

**Saturday 20th May 2006**

I entered Howler's Peak at just after seven that morning, carrying with me a tool box, a pad and a pencil. I was buzzed through to the reception. The receptionist remembered the call I had given here yesterday and showed me to the airlock, I had contacted the facility yesterday, and told them their air lock needs upgrading. From my reputation, I was granted access. I was also told that Ark Sool had been here, who had also spent a lot of time in the airlock.

I set to work immediately. I connected an invisi-cam (One of my inventions, obviously) to the ceiling, and felt around under the grill on the floor. I found the key after a few moments, and left a note which I had prepared earlier in its place. I left the building shortly after eight.

I returned to the LEP offices to find Sool watching the news channel in the staff room. I took a seat next to him, and settled down.

After a few minutes, I coughed.

I coughed again.

I coughed again, except this time, I casually coughed the word 'Opal,' Sool paled and spoke. "What?"

"Just got a bit of a sniffle."

"So, has Opal been on TV yet?"

"What?" Alarm was creeping into his voice.

"Ah, here we go." I said, averting my eyes to the screen. It showed a video clip, taken from my camera, of Opal Koboi fiddling underneith the grill. She pulled a note out, read it, and started screaming and beating her fists on the floor. An Elf reported appeared on screen, and began talking. "An escape attempt was foiled today by Foaly of the LEP Technical Team. He intercepted an e-mail from a high ranking LEP Officer, who was apparently aiding in the escape attempt."

It was then that Sool snapped. He burst up from his chair and ran to the door, pulling a Neutrino from his belt. There was a blast, and I feared the worst… but, I was relieved to find that Trouble, who I had informed of the situation earlier, had been waiting outside the room, planning on blasting when the inevitable run of Sool happened.

This was surely the end of Sool's career.

_**Check back soon for Part Four**_


End file.
